Monday, July 5, 2010

Me on me!

I’m a survivor! If you know me, you know that I am a self proclaimed “spoiled rotten brat”! I do not deny this fact about myself. It’s not something I’m proud of it’s just a part of who I am. I’m 33 years old, I do take ownership and responsibility of the person I have become. But sometimes I feel completely misunderstood. I only know how to be Buffee. Honestly, I’ve always felt like if you don’t like who I am, that’s your loss. I am who I am, take it or leave it. I’m not going to change who I am to please anyone. ANYONE! (That’s the brat talking)!

I was one of those sickly babies. When I was born had jaundice and had to be hospitalized shortly after coming home from the hospital. Soon after that I was diagnosed with asthma. I had to be rushed to the hospital for a collapsed lung. I spent most of my first year (years) in and out of the hospital. The doctors actually told my parents not to get attached to me, because they did not believe I would live. (HA)! I had to take asthma meds, inhalers, and a nebulizer (home breathing treatments). Because of this, my daddy spoiled me rotten. He didn’t think I was going to be around, so while I was here, he was going to give me anything and everything I wanted. By the time they realized I wasn’t going anywhere (Yeah, I’m also stubborn as hell) it was already too late, the damage was done. According to my mother, she often told my daddy he needed to stop spoiling me, because no one was ever going to be able to stand me!

So in my warped way of thinking, it’s not my fault I’m a brat, not really! It’s taken me years to accept myself and love myself for who I am. AND to realize that I need to make changes. (When forced to look at yourself through someone else’s eyes, it’s not always fun and pretty). I think in part my husband helped me with this, because he loves me for me, just as I am. And I can honestly admit it has taken me 5 plus years and great effort to love him the same way in return. I think we’re all damaged, broken in some way shape or form. Life is about gaining experience, learning, and growing. I feel that I have grown a lot in the last year. Especially the last 6 months, since moving in with my MIL. I see things in myself I know I need to change. Things I struggle with each and every day.

I think we are who we are, we’re all individuals, and we all come with our own personalities. The “core” of our being will never change. But we can make improvements and alter our behavior if we so desire. I am a brat, and will probably always be one. But my intentions are usually good-hearted. I mean well, I’m just misunderstood.

I’m learning that everything is a choice. Being a “survivor” is a choice. I’ve had to overcome a lot in my life. And for the most part, I’m proud of who I am. I put up a lot of walls to protect myself and my heart. If crossed, I’ve been known to cut people off, completely. Without so much as a word or any notice. I’m a Scorpio, it’s just my nature. That is something I’m working on. Forgiveness. Not one of my strong points. But on the other hand, I’m completely trusting and open with my heart and friendship when I first meet people. I try to believe that everyone’s intentions are good. It’s not until you’ve crossed me that you’ll feel my sting!

I’m not sure what prompted me to write about myself like this. I started this post a week or so ago and stopped. But today I felt the need to finish and share. Maybe give some more insight on the person I am, atleast in my eyes and heart. 

1 comment:

adrienzgirl said...

Been introspective much? I think that, this is me if you don't like it thing, comes honest. I have always been the same way. But mine comes from a happiness within me though. I'm not changing because I like me, actually, I love me. It hurts my heart that you haven't always loved you!

Love you sis!