Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I'll stab you in the eye with my fork!

One year ago today I started my life over again.  No, not literally, but in a sense yes, I did.  I had a hysterectomy at the age of 33.  I've never had any children, so it was definitely life changing.  For years I struggled with Endometriosis and Ovarian Cysts.  After seeing 2 different infertility specialists who both said it would be next to impossible for me to have a baby, I said the heck with this and opted for a hysterectomy.  Not only because I couldn't have children, but I was also in so much pain it was ridiculous.  I was addicted to pain pills.  I was just existing, not really living anymore.   

May 4th, 2009. . . . I woke in the recovery room and I thought I just made the biggest mistake of my life.  I was in so much pain, I wanted to die.  I've had lots of surgeries throughout my life, including several "female" surgeries, but nothing as painful as this.  Looking back on it now, I'm sure that the emotional aspect of the surgery played a significant role.  I wasn't just losing my uterus, no, I was losing a piece of myself.  A lifelong dream of becoming a mother. If I could describe it in a way that might make sense to other people, I would say it felt like my life was derailed.  The train I was on, crashed, and the track was now forever changed.  I was raised in a very conservative religious home.  My biggest goal in life was to grow up, get married, and have a family.  That's what you did.  That's what everyone I know did.  (With a few exceptions, obviously).  I know nowadays things are different, women don't have to have families, and so many are career oriented.  But that wasn't what I wanted.  Nope, I was one of the girls who wanted 6 kids growing up.  I wanted to be the PTA mom, and homeroom mother, the dugout mom, etc.  I would have been so happy with Michelle Duggar's life!  (Shhh, don't tell anyone I said that)!

Flash forward 3 weeks after my surgery. . . . I was sitting on my couch trying to eat my dinner when my husband wouldn't stop talking.  I couldn't even tell you what he was talking about, all I can tell you is that it was driving me CRAZY!  I looked at him and told him "will you please shutthefuckup"?   His response was "what the hell is wrong with you"?  To that my reply was, "I seriously want to stab you in the eye with my fork." (And I did, want to stab him in the eye with my fork)!  It was at that moment I knew I would need to be medicated!  (I can't take hormones, because the endo could come back).  So instead I take a "mood stabilizer"!  It is my miracle drug.  It allows me to live life among the stupid!  To control my otherwise out-of-control emotions!  Occasionally I still want to stab someone in the eye with my fork, but my blood doesn't feel like it's boiling anymore.  I can contain myself!  Mostly. . . 

Today. . . . I'm living life one day at a time.  I'm trying to focus on what I do have and love my life for what it is.  I have a husband who loves me for me.  We have a great relationship.  We've been through some really hard times.  But when it's all said and done, we're perfect for each other.  Together we're "raising" his 16 year old son, Justin.  Justin moved in with us 4 weeks after my hysterectomy.  (I'm almost positive he thinks I'm crazy)!  I try my best at the whole stepmother thing.  Luckily for me his bio mom plays no role in our lives. We have 4 dogs.  Gizmo, my 10 yr old Lhasa Apso and 3 Chihuahuas, Charlee 3yrs old, Krickett and Bitzee, both almost 2 yrs old.  It's definitely been a journey of self discovery.  We live with William's mother, Laura, in her house in Riverside.  That's a post all in and of it's self!  So in my blog you'll hear about my life being a woman without a uterus, a wife, a stepmother, a daughter-in-law trying not to kill the crazy lady I live with, a dog lover, and many many more topics that come to my crazy mind!  Just me being me!     

3 comments:

The Blue Zoo said...

Hhhhmmm I think I might need a mood stabalizer myself. Or maybe my husband does.... lol

adrienzgirl said...

Mood stabilizers don't help my problem. I need a brain to mouth filter. :D

gayle said...

I need mood stabilizers from time to time!! I am sure you have some great posts about your MIL!!